Harry Learns to Family
by mumblybee
Summary: "Harold, sometimes I think maybe you did get brain damage that time I threw you off the roof when you were a baby." Rated T for language. And for appletini consumption.


**HARRY LEARNS TO FAMILY**

Once upon a time there was a boy named Harry Potter. His parents died and he was magic! Then he grew up and saved the world! Lots of people died also but that was okay because what can you do, it was a war! He got married to his dream girl! He had a family! But it was hard to have a family when you weren't used to one. So Harry often went out drinking, to get away from the hell of having a supportive wife and three adorable children.

"I just don't get it, Harry, what's so hard about that?" asked Sirius Black, sitting next to him at the bar. Sirius was Harry's godfather and he was dead.

"You just don't get it," Harry sighed, taking another swig of his appletini.

"I know," said Sirius. "I just said that."

Harry continued as if his godfather hadn't spoken. "I grew up with mean people who hated me! I can't handle all of this – this – _affection._" He waved his arm vaguely as he spoke, presumably in an attempt to indicate affection, or perhaps because his arm had fallen asleep, or perhaps because he was crazy. _Crazy._

"Listen, Harold James Potter –" Sirius began, but Harry interrupted him.

"My name isn't Harold."

Sirius paused, wrinkling his forehead in confusion. "What? But the crumple-horned snorkack assured me…"

"Sirius, maybe you've had a little too much to drink."

"Nonsense; this is butterbeer! I haven't had a drop of alcohol ever since Remus made me go to rehab during your fourth year!"

Harry stared. "Rehab? I thought you were…living in, you know, caves and stuff?"

"Yes, of course!" Sirius said impatiently. "Rehab caves! Why do you think I had that hippogriff with me? _To peck my eyes out if I drank._ Duh! Jesus Christ, Harold, sometimes I think maybe you _did_ get brain damage that time I threw you off the roof when you were a baby."

"Er –"  
"Anyway! Listen. As I was saying, I grew up in a house full of mean people who hated me, too. And the severed heads of house elves, and Voldemort's hideous cousin Smoldergort, et cetera. But Harold, if I could have grown up to have a wife and children who loved me, instead of spending over a decade in prison and two years in rehab –"

"Two years? But you just said –"

"LISTEN TO YOUR GODFATHER. If I could have grown up to have a wonderful, happy, affectionate family like yours…I wouldn't be wasting my time at bars, that's for sure. I'd be having sex with Remus!"

"…Wh-_what?_"

"I mean, I'd be having sex with my wife!"

"Sirius, is there, er, something you're not telling me?"

Sirius sighed, running a hand through his shaggy ex-convict hair. "Okay. Yes. Remus and I are gay-married in some countries. But that's beside the point."

Harry had no idea what to say. "What about Tonks?" he finally asked.

"What about her?" Sirius shrugged.

"She and Remus had a kid together! _They_ were married!"

"Huh," Sirius said, looking thoughtful. "Didn't know about that. Guess he was crazier than I thought…which just makes him even sexier, now that I think about it. Too bad he's dead."

"You're dead too."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Harold. You keep on drinking those appletinis. The point is…be happy with what you've got. Go home to your wife and children and hug them! Hug them all!"

Harry thought about this for a moment. "One by one or all together?" he asked, for further clarification.

His godfather shrugged. "I don't know, how big are the kids?"

"Not very. One's still in diapers."

"Then you should be able to do it in one hug, shouldn't you? Better to get it over with in one, that way there's no complaining – 'Daddy hugged you longer than he hugged me!' You know."

"Yeah." Harry gazed into his appletini glass, pausing to marvel at his stunning reflection in the bright green liquid.

"That appletini has your mother's eyes," Sirius said.

"It does," Harry agreed.

Then Harry went home and hugged his entire family all at the same time for maximum fairness and he never got drunk again and Sirius came by from time to time shouting loudly about the injustices of being married to a dead, apparently bisexual werewolf but nobody cared. THE END.


End file.
